英語小幽默

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广东安规检测
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I am sorry
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.  
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.  
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?  
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.

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In a Second
     A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
      He asks, " God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God aswers," A penny."
      Then the man says, " God, what is a million years to you?"  and God says, " A second."
      Then the man says, " God, can I have a penny?"  and Gods says, " In a second. "

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Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. 　　
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　
"She is the one who sells the candy."

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Chicken soup

Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."
The hospital worker said, "It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it." Regardless, the patient refused to eat it.
That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.
The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.
He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip - when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your behind!"

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You speak English?
       "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
      The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
     The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

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A Special Football Match

Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Brack, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.

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Who Discovered Australia?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny:    It's there, sir.
Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy:  Johnny, sir.

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Whose Dog Is Smarter
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.
First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."

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Lost Purse
    A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
    Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
    The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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Whose Father Was the Stronger?
    Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it."
    Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!"