英語小幽默

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I am twenty-five
A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house.
The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?"
"Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night."
"My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?"
"Twenty-five," was the reply.

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The Farmer
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

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What a Language
   
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a funny language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

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The Perfect Girl
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
"Well," replied the gentleman, " I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the perfect girl. The only perfect girl I've really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said

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The Broom Seller and the Barber
　　 A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.
　　"Two pence," said the man.
　　"No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."
　　The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.
　　"A penny." said the barber.
　　"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."
　　卖扫帚的人和理发师
　　一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.
　　卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"
　　"不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."
　　卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.
　　卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上.

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A Kiss a Meter
         A very beautiful girl walked up to a department store's fabric counter (布料柜台) and said, "How much is this?"
        "Only a kiss a meter," replied the smirking (嬉皮笑脸的) man assistant.
         "That's fine." replied the girl. " I'll take for meters."  The assistant quickly measured the material, wrapped it and then gave it to the girl.  Taking it, the girl turned and pointed to an old man standing beside  her.  "MY grandpa will pay the bill." she said.

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Thirteen!  Fourteen!
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

十三!  十四!
一个人在精神病院的木围墙外路过，听见里面所有的人在唱,"十三! 十三! 十三!"
他很好奇，就找到围墙的一个洞, 然后看进去。突然有个人捅到了他的眼睛。
然后里面所有人开始唱,"十四! 十四! 十四!"

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My First and My Last

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.
George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."
They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."
Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"
"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

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Wings 翅膀  
The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."
翅 膀
    一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”

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How Did You Ever Get Here
    One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
你是怎样回来的？
    一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”
    老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”
   “后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”