标题: relax for a moment - day by day [打印本页] 作者: 糯米宝宝 时间: 2009-3-10 09:54 标题: relax for a moment - day by day list 目录
1. 蒙上金鱼的眼睛Blindfold the goldfish
2. 第二语言 Second language
3. 第一个男人 the first man
4. 安眠药Sleeping Pills
5. 它们是从美国直接带来的 They are directly from America
6. 小聪明petty trick
7. 一种新药A New Drug
8. 我刚咬破自己的舌头I've Just Bitten My Tongue
9. 总感到口渴Always Thirsty
10. 面包和黄油费 Charge for Bread and Butter
11. 吝啬鬼请客 The mean man's party
12. 他真是一个大人物 He is really somebody
13. 摔倒的女人 A Woman Who Fell
14. 吻别 kiss goodbye
15. 两只鸟 two birds
16. 鱼网 The Fish Net
17. 好客 Hospitality
18. 他赢了 he won
19. 庸医 A Bad Doctor
20. 给我那个打赢的吧 Bring me the winner
21. 相亲 Blind Date
22. 孩子眼中的爱情 This Is My Love
23. 谁的儿子最伟大 Whose Son Is the Greatest
24. 班和笨驴 Class and Ass
25. 区别 Difference
26. 学校假期 A Holiday from School
27. 经典口误
1
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”作者: sin2008 时间: 2009-3-11 10:11
the second one is funny作者: gundam_zk 时间: 2009-3-11 21:51 作者: 糯米宝宝 时间: 2009-3-13 09:18
3 昨天没来，补发一个
第一个男人 the first man
A teacher said to her class:
"Who was the first man?"
“George Washington," a little boy shouted promptly.
"How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?" asked the teacher, smiling indulgently.
"Because, " said the little boy, "he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen."
But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.
"Well," said the teacher to him, "who do you think was the first man?"
"I don't know what his name was," said the larger boy, "but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him."
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
Mrs.Adams'old grandfather lived with her and her husband.Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelver for his lunch.亚当斯夫人的老祖父和她夫妇俩住在一起.每天早上,他都到公园去散步,然后在十二点回家吃午饭.
But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs.Adams' house at twelve o'clock,and two policemen helped her grandfather to get out."The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and called us for help,so we sent a car to bring him home."Mrs.Adams was very suprised,but she thanked the policemen and they left.但有一天上午十二点的时候,一辆警车停在了亚当斯夫人家门外,然后两个警 察扶着她祖父出来了,"这位可怜的老人在公园迷路了,并打电话给我们求助,所以我们派了辆车把他送回家."亚当斯夫人很吃惊,但她谢了警 察,然后他们离开.
"But,Grandfather,"she then said,"you've been to the park nearly every day for twenty years.How did you lose your way there?""爷爷",然后她说,"二十年来你几乎每天都要去公园,你怎么会在那里迷路呢?"
The old man smiled,closed one eye and said,"I didn't quite lose my way.I just got tired and I didn't want to walk home!"老人笑了,闭上一只眼睛说,"我没迷路,我只是累了,不想走回家!"作者: 糯米宝宝 时间: 2009-3-16 09:45
今天的
7
A New Drug
Jack:I have invented a new drug which could kill lice effectively.
Tom:That's wonderful. How is it used?
Jack:When you catch a louse, just put a little of that drug on its mouth and it will die immediately.
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That's terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
"0. K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "it's clear what's wrong with you . You need more exercise."
"But, doctor, " the man said. "I don't think--"
" Don't tell I me what you think, " the doctor said ：I am the doctor, not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day. "
"Doctor, you don't understand," the patient said "I -"
"I don't want to hear any excuses, " the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't, you will get fat and have health problems when you are older. "
"But I walk every clay," the patient said.
"Oh, yes, and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house, a few more feet from the station to your office , and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "
Please listen to me, doctor! " the patient shouted, getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.
"I'm a mailman," the patient went on, "and I walk for seven hours every day. "
For a moment the doctor was silent, then he said quietly, "Put your tongue out again, will you?"
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员，
这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。作者: 糯米宝宝 时间: 2009-4-8 09:54
21
Blind Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Love is go to McDonalds arm in arm.
—— Abbey ( four years old )
Love is to get married, a dad, a mom, and a little baby.
—— Hadow ( there and a half years old )
Love is when two share one ice cream.
—— Tom ( four years old )
Love is said to be one thing shot by a kind of arrow, but it seems not to be painful.
—— Larkin ( five years old )
Love is said to be troublesome and time-consuming, and I don't want to have a shot.
—— Mac (seven years old )作者: 糯米宝宝 时间: 2009-4-22 12:46 23
Whose Son Is the Greatest
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'."
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
Tommy hated school and was always looking for excuses not to go.
If he sneezed, he asked his mother to write a note saying he had a cold.
If he had a headache, he asked his mother to take him to the doctor during school hours.
He spent more time at home than he did at school.
On the days that he did go to school, he looked for excuses to come home early.
One morning he came home when the lessons were only half finished.
His father was surprised.
"You've come home early," he said. "Is the school closed today?"
"No, Dad, " Tommy said - "It's open. I came home early.
"How did you do that?" his father asked him. "What did you say to the teacher?"
"I told her that I had a new baby brother and that I had to come home and help you . "
"But your mother has had twins," his father said, "a boy and a girl. You've got a baby brother and a baby sister."
"Yes, I know, Dad, " Tommy said. "I'm saving up my baby sister for next week "
ut out your tongue," the doctor said. 
[s:89] [s:89]