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标题: 英語小幽默 [打印本页]

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:02
标题: 英語小幽默
A teacher
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPILS: A teacher

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:02
结婚付出的代价
A little boy asked his father, " Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? "
The father replied, " I don 't know ,son. I 'm still paying!! "

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:02
Never Let it Go Out
概不外借
Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. "May I borrow a book from you?" he asked politely. "Yes,you're more than welcome to it," the neighbour told him. "But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library."
Some days later the neighbour wished to borrow Twain's machine for cutting grass in the garden. "Why,certainly," Twain told him,"You're more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:03
Let me  take it  down
      An elephant said to a mouse ,"No doubt that you are
the smallest and most useless thing that I have ever seen ."
      &quot

lease ,say it again . Let me take it down ." the mouse
said . " I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:03
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
      A little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
      "It's all right." said a gentleman. " Don't be afraid.  Don't you know the proverb. 'Barking dogs don't bite'?"
   "Ah, yes." answered the little boy.  " I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:03
Mother Was Too Busy
Teacher: Mike, you're always asking your father to do your homework instead, and again this time...
Mike: Pardon, sir,this time at first I would not let him do it , but mother was too busy.

The First Day as a Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:03
Two  Cute dogs
      A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
      He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
   The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
   The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
      "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
      The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:03
wenty Dollars
“I'm  sorry ，Madam ，but I shall  have  to  charge  you  twenty  dollars  for  pulling  your  boy's  tooth .”
“Twenty  dollars! Why，I  understand  you  to  say  that  you  charged  only  four  dollars  for  such  work!”
“Yes ，but  this  youngster  yelled  so  terribly  that  he  scared  four  other  patients  out of  the  office  .”
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:04
A Blind Man and his Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection(交叉路口), and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by(快速驶过） on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
　　The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
　　A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
　　The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
　　"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:04
The plural form of "child"
Teacher:  What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom:       Men.
Teacher:  Good. And the plural of child?
Tom:       Twins.

Visiting a Chicken Farm

One day, a teacher took his pupils to a chicken farm to pay a visit. When they came near the incubator, a chick just got out of its eggshell.
"It's wonderful to see a little thing come out from the eggshell, Isn't it?" the teacher said.
"Yes, sir." said one of the boys, "but it would be more wonderful if we knew how a chick gets into its eggshell before hand."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:04
"What's in the Pocket?"

   A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.
   After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
   Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
   The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:04
When was Rome built

Teacher: When was Rome built?
Tom:       At night.
Teacher:  Who told you that?
Tom:       You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:04
Much Worse
　Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
　Man:    If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

Time Is Money

   As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, "Do you agree that 'Time is money'?"
   "Well, it's a very common saying. Who will care so much about that?" the driver answered.
   "Look, the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped, "I pointed at the meter.
   "Oh, yes. You've got a point here. In this case, time is money for both of us." added the driver.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:05
Our Tails
   The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
   "I‘ll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
我们的尾巴
   教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
   “我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:05
Marriage Arranged by an Unborn Baby

      The other day a Chinese told me that to go with the traditional custom, one's marriage has to be decided by his or her parents and that accordingly, her mother's marriage was arranged by her grandparents, but her sister has broken the tradition.
      "How?" I asked. "Her marriage was arranged by her unborn baby." "What do you mean?" I was puzzled.
      "She had to get married because of her premarital pregnancy, "She explained in embarrassment.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:05
He told me to see you
Doctor:  And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient:  Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor:  And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient:: He told me to see you!

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:05
The climate here doesn't agree with me
The local weatherman was often in his forecasts, so he applied for a transfer.
"Why do you want to be transferred?" wrote the headquarters.
"Because," the forecaster answered, " the climate here doesn't agree with me."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:05
How do you know that?
Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.
Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?
Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle; at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle; and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:06
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."
"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"
&quot

lease, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:06
An interview
A man was sitting at an interview, in his new suit, looking his very best.

As he put his hands down to make a point, he and his interviewer noticed the price tag was still attached to the sleeve.

"Well", the man said, "at least I can take the suit back if I don't get the job.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:06
I am twenty-five
A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house.
The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?"
"Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night."
"My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?"
"Twenty-five," was the reply.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:06
The Farmer
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:06
What a Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a funny language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:07
The Perfect Girl
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
"Well," replied the gentleman, " I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the perfect girl. The only perfect girl I've really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:07
The Broom Seller and the Barber
　　 A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.
　　"Two pence," said the man.
　　"No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."
　　The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.
　　"A penny." said the barber.
　　"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."
　　卖扫帚的人和理发师
　　一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.
　　卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"
　　"不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."
　　卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.
　　卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:07
A Kiss a Meter
      A very beautiful girl walked up to a department store's fabric counter (布料柜台) and said, "How much is this?"
      "Only a kiss a meter," replied the smirking (嬉皮笑脸的) man assistant.
      "That's fine." replied the girl. " I'll take for meters."  The assistant quickly measured the material, wrapped it and then gave it to the girl.  Taking it, the girl turned and pointed to an old man standing beside  her.  "MY grandpa will pay the bill." she said.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:07
Thirteen! Fourteen!
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

十三! 十四!
一个人在精神病院的木围墙外路过，听见里面所有的人在唱,"十三! 十三! 十三!"
他很好奇，就找到围墙的一个洞, 然后看进去。突然有个人捅到了他的眼睛。
然后里面所有人开始唱,"十四! 十四! 十四!"

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:08
My First and My Last

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.
George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."
They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."
Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"
"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:08
Wings 翅膀
The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."
翅膀
一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:08
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
你是怎样回来的？
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”
老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”
“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:08
I am sorry
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:08
In a Second
   A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
   He asks, " God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God aswers," A penny."
   Then the man says, " God, what is a million years to you?"  and God says, " A second."
   Then the man says, " God, can I have a penny?"  and Gods says, " In a second. "

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:08
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. 　　
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　
"She is the one who sells the candy."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:09
Chicken soup

Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."
The hospital worker said, "It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it." Regardless, the patient refused to eat it.
That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.
The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.
He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip - when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your behind!"

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:09
You speak English?
   "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
   The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
   The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:09
A Special Football Match

Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Brack, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:09
Who Discovered Australia?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny: It's there, sir.
Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:09
Whose Dog Is Smarter
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.
First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:10
Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:10
Whose Father Was the Stronger?
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it."
Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!"

作者: hung 时间: 2008-7-7 16:10
I always do
Two motorists stopped head-on on a bridge too narrow for their cars to pass.
"I never back up for an idiot." said one driver angrily.
"I always do." replied the other as he shifted into reverse.

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